ParentSpeak by Jennifer Lehr

Author:Jennifer Lehr
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Workman Publishing Company
Published: 2016-04-30T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eight

“Say ‘Sorry’!”

“I’m sorry that my forced apology sounded insincere. I’ll try to make it more convincing next time.”

—Unknown

If I step on someone’s toe, “Oh, I’m sorry!” rolls off my tongue before I can even think about it. However, if I do something gossipy like tell a friend something another friend has told me in confidence and she finds out (!), well then, I’m really sorry. I’m mortified and ashamed of myself. And I can imagine my friend feels a mix of betrayed, indignant, and maybe embarrassed. It’s a mess and, of course, I know I need to apologize. And yet, in cases such as this, I’ve often found myself doing everything to avoid it.

I’ll blame the friend with whom I shared the information (I told her not to tell anyone!) even though she did exactly what I’d done.

I might even blame the person I’ve hurt. (For being so damn private in the first place! For caring what others think! For trusting me!)

Perhaps, I’ll minimize the harm I caused. (It’s not such a big deal! She’ll get over it.)

And/or, I’ll just hope that time will make it all go away, even though I know that time never seems to erase the memory of precisely the things we really want it to.

Curiously, I can be plagued by such feelings. I can empathize with the person I’ve hurt, and know what I need to do to try to make things right. Yet, too often, just the very thought of swallowing my pride, admitting what I’ve done wrong, looking someone in the eyes, telling them how sorry I am, and asking if there’s anything I can do just kinda kills me. I’m overcome by shame, riddled with a paralyzing discomfort. Intellectually I know apologizing is a gift. What else can instantly tell a friend that I value and care about them while also relieving some guilt? I should jump at the chance to say “I’m sorry.” And yet, too often, I don’t. Tomorrow, I tell myself. It’s a day that rarely comes.

I know I’m not alone. Hell, if apologizing was easy, or even just not too hard, Judaism wouldn’t carve out a full ten days each year—the so called “Days of Awe” between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur—to right the wrongs we’ve left dangling. During this time, Jewish tradition encourages us to Reach out! Ask for forgiveness. Start the new year unburdened, healed, and connected. Those you’ve hurt will feel better. You’ll feel better! Most of us know this to be true and yet too often we let our guilt continue to fester.

As a parent, I hoped there was something I could do to make apologizing come more easily to Jules and Hudson than it has to me. I wanted them to be able to face their mistakes and those they’ve hurt, knowing it’s just part of being human, and to do their best to right their wrongs. I wanted them to understand that apologizing is about learning, communicating, growing, and strengthening friendships.

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